How to Murder Your Wife
by TwilightNocturne74
Summary: Bill Weasley said he would never get married. So what happens when he gets drunk and wakes up married to Fleur? Based on the 1965 movie starring Jack Lemmon.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer: I have nothing better to do with my time then write fanfictions and claim that I own the stories they were based off of. Just kidding. Well, not about the first part. I really do have nothing better to do with my time then write fanfictions.**

**Summary: Bill Weasley said he would never get married. So what happens when he gets drunk and wakes up married to Fleur? Based on the 1965 movie starring Jack Lemmon. BW/FD.**

**A/N: I saw this movie and decided to make it into an HP fic; I naturally thought of Fleur as the wife since she's foreign and the Weasleys wanted to kill her. Haha. I actually thought the movie was quite humorous, albeit a little sexist. But I didn't bother me because, come on, it was made 40 years ago. And this story will not be sexist of course, since it will be written by a girl. Duh!**

**-**

**_How to Murder Your Wife_**

Bill Weasley was busy adding the finishing touches to his sketch. He sat up, satisfied, and looked at the finished picture. It was of a young wizard with red hair who was flying on a broomstick. The wizard looked up and grinned at his creator, before flying into the panel next to him.

Bill was a well-known artist for wizard comic books. The comic he was writing now was called Barry Brigham, and was about a young wizard named Barry who was always off saving the world. Barry constantly reminded Bill of himself, and not just because of the looks. Bill would never make his character do something in a comic that he hadn't already done in real life. So he would always go act something out as if he were Barry Brigham and then draw and write about it.

"Master Weasley, sir," Dobby, Bill's house elf, scrambled up towards Bill with a glass of firewhiskey. "Dobby has brought you your drink."

"Thanks, Dobby," Bill said before downing the drink and handing it back to the elf. Dobby then scrambled back into the kitchen with the empty glass.

Bill took a deep breath. It had been a long day for him; he might as well get some sleep. Tomorrow was Remus Lupin's bachelor party, after all. All the men from the club would be there.

Bill belonged to an all man's club that he went to once a day to exercise and to relax with his friends. Most of the men were single, although some of them were married and very miserable about it, too. Bill had learned from them that marriage can destroy a man, and he believed it.

-

The next morning Bill woke up with a huge headache and the feeling of somebody pulling on his left foot. He rolled over in bed to see what was going on. Dobby had his little fingers enclosed around Bill's foot and was gently tugging at it.

"Oh! Master is awake! Dobby let Master sleep in too late today! It's already 11:00!"

"Unh…" Bill groaned but sat up, putting his hand on his forehead.

"Does Master have a headache, sir?"Dobby asked.

"Yeah, a killer one," Bill mumbled. Dobby ran into the other room and came out a minute later with a glass of blue liquid.

"This will make Master feel better," he explained.

"Thanks." Bill swallowed the potion and felt an immediate relief come to him. He got up, ushered Dobby out of his room, and got dressed. In a few hours, the party would begin…

-

Bill entered the hall for the party looking all spiffy, he had a big smile plastered over his face. But that smile soon turned to a frown. All the men in the room were silent and still as though they were attending a funeral. Bill's father walked over to him and handed him a glass of wine.

"Here you go, son," he said. Arthur Weasley was one of the members of the men's club as well.

"Thanks, Dad," Bill said, taking the glass and sipping it. "So why's everyone so quiet?"

"Why do you think? One of our own's tying the knot. Poor Remus…" Arthur said.

"But Dad, you're married to Mum, for 32 years now." Bill reminded him.

"And I don't regret one day of it!" He exclaimed. "The one day that I don't regret is when your mother was away on holiday!"

Bill just shook his head and walked towards the rest of the men. He said hello to all his friends: Harry, Neville, Dean, Seamus, Oliver, Albus, Sirius, Alastor, his brothers, and many others.

Suddenly Remus Lupin entered the building, laughing hysterically. Everyone glared at him. Was he drunk?

"Tonks called off the engagement! She doesn't want to marry me!" he exclaimed. All the men cheered and laughed along with him. They were all excited for some reason that their friend wasn't going to get married.

The party was much more lively, now that Remus was there and single as ever. There was a lot of wine and whiskey at the party. After having one too many glasses of wine, Bill stood, propped up against the wall, with his feet spread out. Across the hall was his brother Percy, who was in the same position he was. Bill shook his head and stumbled over towards his younger brother.

"Hey, Perce… look at you! You're completely wasted…" Bill said in a slurred voice.

"Me? Nah… I'm as sober as the judge," Percy replied. And that was a half-truth, seeing as Percy had just become a judge for the ministry recently.

Bill shook his head and sat down at a table, placing his head in his arms. He felt extremely dizzy.

Remus was pretty much wasted, and he was being pulled over towards a piano by some other men from the club.

"Play a tune, Moony!" Sirius shouted. Remus looked confusedly at the instrument in front of him. He put his hands over the keys and grinned, seeming to get the hang of it. He began to play a song and all the men cheered and drank their wine merrily.

_Sigh. I'm gonna have one hell of a hangover in the morning,_ Bill thought to himself. _Oh well. _He took another long sip of his drink. Suddenly, something small fell on the table in front of him. He picked it up. It was a ring; undoubtedly the ring Remus gave to Tonks. He smiled to himself and held the ring in his hand, taking another sip of the wine.

Suddenly a loud cheer could be heard from all of the men. Bill looked up to see what looked like a giant cake being wheeled into the room. _I'm hallucinating. God, am I really that drunk?_ Bill asked himself. But he realized that he was not drunk at all. There really was a giant cake in the room, surrounded by gleeful looking men, all waiting eagerly to see what would happen. The entertainment had just begun.

Bill watched as the top of the cake flung open and a young blond woman stepped out wearing a bikini and a boa. She winked at Bill. Suddenly something wet touched Bill's hand. He realized he'd been drooling on himself. He wiped his hand with his other sleeve and then brought his attention back to the "stripper."

She had to be a veela, Bill thought. All the other men were drooling over her, too. He stared deep into her silver eyes… and that was when he completely lost it.

-

**So I finally gave into temptation by posting the first chapter of this, even though I've been having writer's block with all my other stories. Life has just begun to get crazy for me. Now I know I might never update this story, but it's always fun to hope. Please review anyway; you'll make my day! Really, you will. Plus, you'll motivate me to write more, causing me to update faster. So review!**


	2. Chapter 2

-

Bill stirred and opened his left eyelid. He noticed a familiar blond figure lying next to him. He opened his other eye when he realized there was actually a woman in his bed, and he wasn't dreaming.

He recognized her as the veela stripper girl from last night. She was naked under Bill's bed sheets and her arm was stretched out onto Bill's chest. He gently lifted her arm to remove it when he noticed a ring on her finger. The same ring from last night. And that's when he remembered what had happened to him.

Bill sprang out of bed immediately and made for the door of his bedroom. He opened it slowly and walked out as quietly as possible, so as not to disturb the girl.

"Dobby!" he half spoke, half shouted the name of his house elf. With a popping noise, Dobby apparated in front of his master.

"Good morning, Master," Dobby said.

"Dobby, there's a woman in my bed," Bill said.

"Dobby knows. Not the first time Master has taken home a beautiful woman, either," said the house elf.

"Dobby! I know that, but… this, time… she's…" Bill couldn't bring himself to complete the sentence.

"What is Master trying to say?" Dobby asked.

"She's… m-married to me," Bill finally spat out.

The little elf's large eyes widened before he disapparated.

"Dobby! Come back!" Bill almost shouted. He lowered his voice and called after his elf again. Dobby apparated in front of Bill again, but this time looked very frustrated.

"Dobby is sorry, Master. But Dobby does not work for married couples," he said.

"What?"

"It was part of the deal between Master and Dobby," Dobby explained.

"Oh man, I forgot! Well Dobby, I didn't plan on getting married!" he said. "Besides, I can take her to the Ministry and get this all sorted out. Percy'll know what to do. By tonight, I'll be a bachelor again," Bill said. Dobby sighed.

"Alright, Master. Dobby will stay then," he said, before disapparating again. Bill exhaled and crept back into his room. He closed the door as quietly as possible, and it made a little 'click.' Then he turned around. He almost jumped when he saw that the woman was awake already. She was sitting up in the bed, clutching the covers around her naked body, and eyeing Bill with much interest.

"Oh, you're awake. Listen, I know what happened last night. We saw each other last night, and naturally we were attracted to each other. I mean, we're both very attractive people. You started to dance with me, and I was, you know, under the influence, so I didn't really know what I was getting myself into, and… I took you into the other room and gave you the ring that I found. And then, without thinking, I asked you to marry me. You said yes, and then I ran into the room and announced that we were engaged. All the men cheered and grabbed my brother Percy so he could wed us legally. Of course, they had to hold Percy up, he was that drunk… and then we were married. But I don't want to be married, you see," Bill explained rather quickly. The woman was grinning throughout his entire little speech until the very last sentence. Then she frowned.

"Bill," she said, pouting and holding her arms out towards him.

"Ah… yeah?"

"Mon amour... venez ici. Me pardonnez. Je ne peux pas parler votre langue bien, et…" she began to say.

"My God, you're French!" Bill exclaimed.

"Oui, monsieur… I no speak English, mon amour. Bill, Bill…" she pouted again.

"Did you even understand anything I said? What do I do now? Oh, you need some clothes don't you? Let's see… you can borrow something in my dresser here. Is that okay?" he asked. The woman stared at him, confused, but did not respond.

"Um…okay. Well, here, let me get the clothes for you now," Bill said. He went through his drawers and picked out a pair of boxers and a red jumper. He tossed them to the woman and she smiled at him.

"You go now?" she asked.

"Yes. Yes, I go now," he said, glad that she had understood him.

"Okay, bye bye," she said.

"Yeah. Bye." He left the room and closed the door behind him before realizing that he too had to get dressed. Then he could take her to the Ministry to get things sorted out.

-

The door cracked open slightly, thought Bill didn't notice. The woman stared at him, watching him. He was a very handsome man and she was very fond of him, her husband. He turned around and, seeing her, rushed towards her.

"Are you ready? I'll go get dressed, okay? Then we'll go. You wait here, understand?" he asked her slowly. She nodded her head in response. Bill ushered her out of his room and closed the door behind him.

-

Ready to leave now, Bill took his wife's hand and smiled at her awkwardly. Then he closed his eyes and disapparated with her.

They arrived at the Ministry, right in front of Percy Weasley's office. Here they could straighten everything out, and get a divorce.

Bill knocked on the glass door that had written, in black letters, **P. Weasley**.

"Come in," Percy called from inside, and Bill opened the door. The French woman followed him inside.

"Hey, Perce. Listen, I need your help. It's about… my wife," Bill said. Percy looked at the timid woman hiding behind his older brother.

"Your wife? Oh, Bill…. She _is_ gorgeous, but… I'm so sorry. I'll see what I can do about this mess," said Percy. Turning to the woman, he said, "Do you have a name, miss?"

The woman looked at Bill. Bill shook his head.

"That's the thing, Perce… she doesn't speak English."

"Doesn't speak…! Bill, what have you gotten yourself into? What does she speak, anyway?"

"French," Bill said. Percy let out a sigh of relief.

"Thank goodness… My wife can speak French really well. I'll get her over here so she can communicate for us," Percy explained.

"Good," said Bill. He looked at his wife, who was still gazing at him. He smiled awkwardly.

-

**That's it for now. I hope writing this will help me get over my writer's block for my other stories… UGH. Anyway, please review. I will greatly appreciate it and give you chocolate. XD**


	3. Chapter 3

**So sorry I took so long to update. Forgive me? I'll understand if u don't want to leave me any reviews…**

**CHAPTER 3**

**-**

Mrs. Penelope Weasley entered the office of her husband Percy at the Ministry of Magic. She looked at her husband, his brother Bill, and then at the mysterious young woman clinging to Bill's arm.

"Ah, Penelope, dear. Glad you could make it. Bill's gone and got himself into a bit of a pickle here," Percy said. Penelope looked at Bill.

"Hello, Penelope," he said. "Meet my wife."

"Oh, hello," Penelope said with a smile, and she held out her arm to the frenchwoman.

"That's the problem, you see. She only speaks French," Percy said.

"Well, is that all? No problem." And then she began to speak to Bill's wife in French. The woman's eyes lit up at the sound of her own language being spoken. She replied, and the two women had an entire conversation in French, in front of the men, who were trying to figure out what was being said. Finally Penelope turned to Bill.

"So?" Bill said.

"Her name is Fleur. She came here from France a week ago, and the stripping… thing… was the only job she could find that didn't require her to speak English. She has no family here, Bill. She has no place to go. You can't just marry her and then throw her out into the streets. The poor thing…" Penelope said.

"Well what am I supposed to do then?" Bill asked.

"She's your wife," Percy said, "You have to live with her." He mumbled the word _unfortunately _under his breath so that his own wife would not hear him. Bill turned to his wife.

"Well, Fleur, I guess I'm taking you in, whether I like it or not," he said. She smiled uncomprehendingly, and kissed him on the cheek.

"Well, in the meantime, she'll have to learn to speak English. Teach her some vocabulary first; she'll catch on," Penelope said.

"Yeah, okay," said Bill. Then Penelope turned and spoke to Fleur in French again. Fleur responded, and Penelope turned to Bill.

"Why, Bill! She doesn't have any clothes to wear, besides the ones she has on!" Penelope exclaimed. Bill looked Fleur up and down. She was wearing nothing but a bikini with a leather jacket over it, and a pair of high heels.

"Well, I suppose I could buy her some clothes…"

"No need, I'll take her shopping right now," Penelope said. She spoke once more to Fleur and then ushered the woman out of the room. Bill looked at his younger brother and shook his head.

"Bill, what the hell have you gotten yourself into?" Percy asked.

"What the hell _have_ I gotten myself into?" Bill echoed.

**-**

**My, what a frightfully short chapter. But I'm too lazy to write any more. I think I'll end it here. Don't worry, I'll try not to take too long before the next update, okay?**


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